Jokes Here!

David.Pagotto · 10-11-07

Post jokes HERE!

controandlime · 12-11-07

Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

At least you can unscrew a light bulb!

controandlime · 12-11-07

A man boarded an aircraft at Melbourne and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. As he watched, he realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! ... she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a
conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in Queensland".
He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you when I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

controandlime · 12-11-07

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Melbourne to Townsville.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

controandlime · 12-11-07

The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
And looks up and says "HeyKoala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

controandlime · 12-11-07

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope.
"More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

controandlime · 12-11-07

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
Conversation took place:
First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy:"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy:"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has
Not said a word. So they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to
Come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Forth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said,
"Wear sun-block."

And thats it, im out. Hope you liked them.

controandlime · 12-11-07

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ........"OK, now what?"

controandlime · 12-11-07

A 75 year old man went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The

Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen

sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's and

gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well,

doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my

wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her

teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too,

first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it

between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour!!??"

The old man replied:

"Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our

arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

controandlime · 12-11-07

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As

the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take

everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the

"Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and

forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot

into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was

on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will

and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.